Dear David Cameron,
It has come to my attention that something called the deficit is still a bit of a problem. I’ve had a look around on the internet and come up with a few suggestions on how you and Mr Osborne could save a few (or several thousand) pounds to put towards the problem. I hope you find this helpful.
1. Scrap the Lords’ lunches
I read recently about members of the House of Lords ordering roulades of stuffed pigeon served with celeriac purée for lunch, at the taxpayers’ expense. I personally think a Marmite sandwich is more than adequate. Alan Sugar has enough money for many frivolous items (he pays for two bowler hats, two skeletons and two bottles of Oud every year as part of that Apprentice treasure hunt challenge) so he can certainly afford to pack up a packed lunch before he hops into his Rolls Royce. I saw the petition on this one and signed it. I didn’t see your name on there yet but perhaps you chose an alias so as not to upset Alan – he does always look like he might punch someone, so I understand.
2. Get a swear jar
I saw these rather lovely personalised piggy banks online and I think you should get one. You’ll be surprised how much you can collect when you put all your loose change in there. Or why not make it an expletives jar? Every time someone mentions Jeremy Corbyn or Nick Clegg they have to put in a pound. Five pounds if they mention duck houses, pig heads or Lord Ashcroft. You’ll soon have enough to re-open one of the Children’s Centres currently set for closure. It would also make a great gift for your good friend George this Christmas.
3. Ask MPs to give to charity
My boss offers a scheme to take regular donations from our salaries and pass them on to our chosen charities. Why don’t you try this, David? Agreed, this should be an optional donation but every month it should be published who gave what to whom (and who didn’t). This might be a nice way to justify the recent 10-11% pay rise for MPs, at a time when nurses, doctors, police and fire fighters are facing a pay freeze or even job losses. The NHS is a charity, so may I suggest they start with that one?
4. Make Charles & Co take the bus
A recent report stated that the Royal Family spent over £5 million last year on travel, with Prince Charles alone racking up a bill of £1.2 million. Now, I thought the £4,000 I had to pay on an annual train ticket to work was a lot, but clearly not. David, I wanted to share with you a thing I’ve discovered called Skype – it means I’m able to take part in conferences, discussions and meetings without even being there! It’s amazing! Here’s the link, so you can pass it on to Charlie and his family, to help them cut down on their air miles: http://www.skype.com/en/
5. Swap & Save
Have your done the Aldi Challenge yet at Downing Street? It does save you quite a lot of money but it is a bit of a hassle (and an elbow fest). I know you probably haven’t got much time to be rummaging around in vast racks of stuff just to find a tin that’s not dented. Maybe Samantha could go for you, once a week? Or, I have found a gap in your schedule that could give you enough time to pop to your local Aldi on Kilburn Highstreet – that weekly meeting with HRH that she insists upon having. I know how you feel – I hate those forced weekly catch-ups with your boss, when you have nothing to say other than “it wasn’t my fault”. What Liz she need to know so urgently, anyway? Just text her all she needs to know – and that’s what this week’s Special Buys are. Sorted.
6. Check for lost cash
I’m not talking about The Queen’s mystifying over-inflation pay rise which is yet to pay dividends, but we went to look around Parliament last year and all those green seats you sit on have gaps down the back of them. Have you asked anyone to ferret around in the crevices and see what you can come up with? May I suggest the front bench first – who knows what Bo Jo or Jeremy Hunt may have been squireling away in those deep pockets. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss the odd twenty quid (I’d wear some rubber gloves though if I were you). A check of my Dad’s armchair afforded me £3.41 last time I looked, so good luck David – you may even find enough to buy your own stuffed pigeon roulade for tomorrow’s lunch.